Monday, April 4, 2011
Some days are just hard. Nothing serious or mind-blowingly bad happens; but dirty laundry, dishes and clutter blend into one chaotic heap. Kids argue and challenge. I feel a failure and cry out, "I just can't do it!"
A child ails. I worry - it's what I do, what I've always done. All day - worrying, fighting worry, struggling against it. Thanking God, praying and thanking again. I break through to peace a few times, but the victories are small and fleeting and only serve to remind me of the large worry-holes in my faith-walk.
So anxiety leads to depression, yet another struggle. And I look hard for the blessing behind the disappointments. The gloomy sky becomes the warm, grey felt stretched across a cold day. The expenses of diapers and pet food become my four unique children and the cat and dog they love so much. The near-forgotten anniversary becomes the committed-husband who loves me "even-though" and sometimes even "because-of."
And I breathe a sigh of peace, contentment. My good and gracious God is always there. I just have to rub my eyes a bit, clear away the fog of self, to see Him peeking around at me in all His beauty.
38. Stars so bright I can see twinkling and color.
39. My alarm clocks: A cozy 2 year old and a hungry woodpecker.
40. Startling sight of a duck flying through the woods. . .
41. . . . and the kids all trying to chase it down the stream bank.
42. French bread rising on the counter.
43. Pink and purple sunrise all dotted through with clouds.
44. When the words just come.
45. Shared laughter.
46. Finding out you're not the only one trying to cling to God's grace.
47. 8 year old telling THE Story with the resurrection eggs he just made.
48. 4 year old embellishing the story of Peter and John healing the lame man. . . apparently a donkey, a dress and a cave were somehow involved. :)
49. A friend blessedly surprised by a pregnancy no one thought was even possible!
50. Neosporin and a large, hidden-away bandaid found just when I needed them.
51. Mr. and Mrs. Mallard's return to the stream.
52. Finding chocolate in the trunk of the car after a particularly rough shopping trip.
53. Finding butter in the back of the fridge after having nervously put back a box to save money on said shopping trip.
54. Little 2 year old's talk: "Do you love me? Do you love me now? Do you love me now? Do you love me now?. . ."
55. Bird-song in the rain.
56. Bold, big-bellied robins flocking in the field.
57. Drooping daffodils - still lovely - a sort of somber beauty.
58. Little cupcakes with icing all buttery goodness.
59. Girls dancing - bright, shiny ribbons in their hair - big smiles.
60. 50% off Crayola means my kids have crayons again!
61. Good friends who'll even watch sick kids.
62. Fevered baby snuggled under blankets.
63. Water. . . clean, thirst-quenching water.
64. Broken fever and a full-night's sleep.
65. Kids playing in the woods - building forts and digging up treasure.
66. Colored felt and a child's imagination.
67. A husband who still wants me - 12 years later. :)
68. My children and all that they require of me. :)
69. Looking forward to spending time with my mom. I'm hoping for a few tear-enducing jags of laughter with her.
70. 4 year old in red socks and white shoes - hillarious - and he jumps like a monkey into my arms when I smile at him and say, "I love you. . ."