I'm such a failure. This is how I feel a majority of the time, quite frankly. And this weekend was no different. Seems at every turn I'm confronted with another reminder of how miserably I fail to "measure up."
Friday and Saturday had me reeling in these feelings. I just felt down and worthless. . . dark. I was literally in despair. I tried to focus on the cross, the meaning of the Lenten season, grace undeserved. And, while it helped me feel sure about my standing with God, it just didn't help lift the feeling of heavy burden and darkness off of me. I went to bed Saturday night feeling. . . despondant. Sat up half the night feeling physically ill, knowing it was emotional. . . I was not really sick physically, just emotionally.
But the sun rose the next morning - the SON rose. And, though I couldn't figure out just how it happened, or why, I felt light. The weight was lifted. Resurrection rolls were baked, ham popped in the oven, clothes put together, hidden eggs found. I was quite underdressed, my daughter was in flip-flops with her fancy grandma-sewn dress, and my 2yo insisted on cowboy boots. I knew I had to spend this glorious morning in the nursery - miss church - worship - sermon - communion - for the third week in a row. But I felt so. . . joy-full.
My mind couldn't get away from it - He rose!
His death gives me redemption; His resurrection gives me hope!
135. The glorious, miraculous resurrection of my Lord - my Hope!
136. Kids sleeping in.
137. Small successes and Divine inspiration.
138. The smell of cinnamon, nutmeg and bananas.
139. Taking the time to write it all down = realizing how much they learn in a day.
140. Shopping - alone - peace.
141. The flow of the stream in the backyard.
142. Long, lush grass.
143. 2yo coming in from playing in the yard - wet up to her knees from playing in the rain.
144. A good book - a conversation.
145. Dealing with set-backs and the set-backs that re-arrange a day to look pleasing to God.
146. Watching the birds flit about the yard on a rainy day.
147. Rain drops dancing on puddles.
148. Children singing - so proud - waving to moms.
150. Lunch outside to the music of birds.
151. 2yo singing and dancing - my little performer.
152. Bare feet on soft, green grass and cool stream.
153. Yellow polka-dotted green yard. I love dandelions!
154. Finally finding her lovey - at 12:15am!
155. Wild violets.
156. Fruit trees in bloom.
157. Sophisticated blooms of the dogwood.
158. Walk outside - an immediate mood-lifter.
159. A little chipmunk peeking up from behind a tall tuft of grass.
160. Memories: my grandma's cinnamon buns, the humid heat of Savannah, the smell of salt water and seaweed, those good ole hymns, bubble gum ice cream, weeping willow trees, fishing with Grandpa, feeding corn kernels to squirrels and ducks, old family stories told over and over and over. . .